Forest Bard Senior Section Winners

Walkin' drow the Vorest 'oddland
Jus' th' other doy
Thoughts uv wild boar wen' drow me mind
Az I strowulled on me woy

Thiss piggin' trouble in th' oodland
Them boar be zo vast breedin'
Out at night thoy da moot th' ground
Ver roots n bugs n zeedlin'

Zum veel th' boar zhould roam vree
Others don' wan urn around
Depends on what zide uv th' vence thee bist
Az them grunters moot th' ground

We verges an' zumetimez gyardens
Thoyr patch them wild boar moot
Zo da we let urn roam zo vree
Or zhow urn a size ten boot

Yet there cud be a comprumize
Why not zell zum boar ver meat
Th' Vorest cud use th extra dosh
'Ave a pig roast ver a treat

Thoughts of cracklin' all dun crispy
Loads a park upon me plate
We sage an' onion stuffin' oy
Zurry, I really jus' con' woyt

Er wuz a Forest ouman, strong loud and full of life
The sort of Forest ouman a Forest mon oud want fer wife.
Er ad a wealth of larnin - non ont out a book,
Like pluckin vowels, cleaning chitlins, oh ay an er could cook.
Er ad yups of savvy, and the savviest bit of all was er certin thinking that
Prevention is better than cure.
Don't cast a clout till May be out, and doesn’t thow be washin blankets in May
One swallow don’t make a summer, an tomorrow's another day.
Er cupboard ad a remedy fer each an every ill –
Spit ont, rub it in, charm it if you will
Wintergeen and goosegrease, camferated oil,
An onion fer yur lug-owl and hot water fer a boil.
Feverfew fer eadaches, iodine fer a cut,
Witch-hazel fer bruises if you trip across the mutt.

I wuz in the owd back gyardun
On me backside I did zit
Thik zun wuz shinin’ down on I
As I restid up me vit

Smell them zummer vlowers
Zurry, with I all wuz well
Nuthin’ in me yud owd butt
Well - ver as I cud tell

Then I yeard this tappin’
Twuz down there by me vit
I’d got a drop uv owd moyd wine
An I’d owny drunk a bit

I didn’ believe whot I did zee
A chickin drinkin 'me glass a wine
Ow lung ‘ad ‘er bin a zuppin' it
Dowt ‘er cud walk a line

Ar faythur ad an ol green van
we thought un pretty smart
an it oud be quite nifty when it felt inclined to start.

You ad to do this we an andle
an thic andle wuz somut thick
if yu didn’t do the job aright it ud give yu helluva kick.

Now this van it wuz an ibrid
thatda mean all mixed up wi bits o tack
there wuz a lorry cab in front - and a made up body at the back.

Corse, o butt, this wuz well afor the days of driving tests, MOTs, an the like
– if you’d got cash fer petrol - well yu could stick yer bike.

Two Vorest varmers zat in the pub,
Avin a pint an a bite of grub
The weather said Garge da git better each day,
I bin thinkin' about gettin' in all my hay.

But the truble is thic old hoss o' mine
That da frisk an frolic
Av gone down wi a dose of the collic.

Thou's wunce 'ad a hoss dissunt the Jack
That 'ad the collic a vew years back.
Wot didst giv'n ver a remedy?
Ah now! I gid'n turpentine and Scotch Whisky.

"Ware bist thou gwoyn" I asked our Jim.
I be gwoyn vur a pint down the Anchor Inn.
Hang the on a bit till I get me jaket
I'yll invarm the missus an putt up we the rakut.

Her zed. " Thas twice thees wik
Thou's bin we thic Jim
I dunnow wot ever thou zee in im
Thou's think less on me, an more on im.

But our Jim an me be good varest males
We da ave a veou laffs an a veou ginger ales.
We da moyt up we our moyts down thic pub
An all we da talk about is drinkin an grub.

Our fayther wuz a miner, ee wuz wiry, ee wuz strong
an ee wuz a vree miner, a speshul kinda mon.
ee worked the shifts, cum wum tired an black
with a vire in is belly, in is eyes an on is at.

But the thing with being a collier, an ee found out pretty quick
is being a Dean Vorest miner will never make you rich
So ee considered all is opshuns fer making us some cash
mendin bikes, cuttin air, saving up yer trash.

Didn't work, no none ont, wusunt wuth a fig
until the day our fayther cum wum with a pig
oh ee wuz a proper pig, ee wuz pink an ee wuz fat
an even though ee wiffed a bit we didn't care fer that.

Fayther putun in the coal shed where ee squeeled an put iself about
ee wouldn't let us in the door, so then the vire wen out.
Next day our dad cum wum an is green van wuz packed
with nails an tin an asbestos, an odd that ee ad acked.

ee set about a buildin, an it lacked a lot
but the finished article was sposed to be a very fine pig's cot
an so at last our pig wuz in is proper place
it didn't av no windows, no curtins trimmed with lace.
But ee ad leaves ta lie on, an ee ad aproper trough
mind you ee wuz lazy - all ee did was yut an poo an sloth.

But fayther couldn't stand lazyness, said it wuz a sin
ta lie in muck all day - he'd soon settle 'im.
Next day there wuz a plan in place, and off did fayther go
to see a chap called Organ - spelt like piana don't ya know.

Thee walks in me footsteps, chil' o' th' Forest,
Though thee be no' aware I be there.
Thee stands wer' I once stood, chil' o' th' forest,
Wi 'nither a doubt nor a care.
Thee plays wer' I once played, chil' o' th' forest,
Thy 'ood it be green now no' black,
Trees cover the ol' mine, chil' o' th' forest,
Wer' I carried slag o' me back.
Thee sleeps wer' I once worked, chil' o' th' forest,
Taks rest, wer' I once toiled fur pay,
Thee breathes i' th' fresh air, chil' o' th' forest,
Wer' I once saw no light o' day.
Thee plays wi' thy football, chil' o' th' forest,
Wer' I once 'ad stones as me ball,
Thee paddles i' streambeds, chil' o' th' forest,
Wer' I garnered water fur all.
Tak' time t' grow older, chil' o' th' forest,
Tak' all o' th' time tha' thee can'
Grow strong i' th' sunlight, chil' o' th' forest,
Do na' rush t' becum a man.

I was strolling through Edge End with my two lads you see
when the eldest stopped right by an oak, and him did ask of me.

Dad why can't we live somewhere where there's a yup to do
like gooing to a big theme park, a city or a zoo.

I sat him down and cooched the tother, his eyes began to close
now listen Jake I'll tell thee why, as Fred do 'ave a doze.

There be a lot of places, more famous that I 'ave sin,
but thee'll never find a better wum than the Forest of Din.

When all the tothers be so consumed with affording this and that
have a stroll just down the road and look off Symonds Yat.

You bist quite right we be a long way from Twickers or Wembley
but thee'll never see a better game than the Hill agin Lydney.

I look down at me 'ands, tough and black wi grime
All me working life spent down this owld mine
In me yud I bist walking along thic track
Heading for thic mine we no turning back.

Me pit lamp shows the woy down thic shaft
Me 'air on end gooing through thic draft
Now I bist at thic bottom me pick in me 'and
Crouching on thic floor we no where else to stand.

I bin working 'ard we sweat pouring off me brow
Me owld back be breaking, I've 'ad enough now
Ivor was calling have yur tommy have yur tea
Come on owld butty these stop and squat by me.

Thouse know it was a minute since I squat and 'ad me tea
It be Ivor shouting one agyun these come and work with me
I bist low on me belly we Ivor by me side
Thic carbide lamp is burning it fills me 'art we pride.

Many yearz agoo Ol Butt
when I wuz in me prime
A lived in a little cottage oy
Back yearz agoo in time

Thik little cottage on the 'ill
Two up, two down, no more
No bath or vlush toilet we 'ad
But a warm welcome on the door

Flag stone floors drowout in-zide
That mother used ta swipp
With old rag rugs upon the floor
Made it warmer fur yur vit

A large black lead grate upon one wall
With a vire a burnin' bright
Was all we 'ad ta kip us warm
On a cold an' vrosty night

Two large cubuds either zide a the grate
With Lard knows inzide
Prob'ly Mother's best china oy
Or a few bob put aside

A meal she'd cook on thik old black grate
An' round the big table we all zat
Whatever thous 'ad upon thee plate
Thous yut an' an' that wuz that

A piana stood alung wun wall
An' Mother, 'ow she could ploy
We'd 'ave a zingzong now an' then
If we all got our woy

There wuzn nun uv this DFS
Vur yur vurniture - no woy
Thous got what thou was given
An hoped there wuzn nowt ta poy

We 'ad a slot bob meter
Ver the lectric light ta moyk
But when no more money we 'ad got
Zat in the virelight yutin' coyk

The back kitchen poynted bottle green
A large china zink an' copper
That wuz used ta boil the wayter oy
An' the vire undern got 'otter

If thee as lived as long as I,
I bet thee used to 'ave
A toilet up the garden,
a murky outside lav.

With cobwebs on the ceiling,
and 'anging by a cord
Some squares and sheets of paper,
thou couldst read if thee got bored.

And if thy folks was lucky,
thic loo was just for thee
While some a'tother families,
'ad ta share wi' two or three.

And this was mighty ockered,
if they was taken short
And hurried up to find thic loo,
locked up just like a fort.

They hammered on thic 'ooden door,
and begged to get inside
But all they heard was some bloke's voice,
"Go wum, tis occupied".

Now how they managed atter that,
thee disn't wanta know
But I can tell thee straight that they,
was nowhere near a po!

Now some a these eer toilets,
were made with double seat
And if thee 'ad a friendly pal,
'twas just the place to meet.

Zee Bert im got these vit,
‘Im ave allus ad um I think,
But wot do irk I a bit
Is the way the buggers do stink!

It chun az im don’t wesh mind,
Imz allus in the tub
Usin the ol’carbolic
An givin iz vit a good scrub.

But nuthin do zeem to alter
The woy iz vit do pong,
If im stuck um in scented water
They udnt smell nice ver long.

Im took um to the doctor
To ex fer iz advice,
But when im took iz shoes off
Doctor keeled over –twice!

Im zent Bert to the ‘ospital
To ave zum test or another,
But once they got a whiff of iz vit
They didn’t even bother.

Zo as a last rezort
We took ee to a vet –
Well, wi a problem o’ thic zort
Thous need all the ‘elp thou con get.

Zo vet ad Bert up on iz table
An ee exed ‘im to tek off iz shoe,
Zaid im would elp if im’s able,
But wi‘in seconds im ad turned blue.

Im staggered out o’t surgery
Lookin a long way vrum well,
A gaspin’ wi’zum kind o’ urgency
An gibberin’ about the smell.

Im vinally collapsed in’t gutter
Right there in the ‘igh strit,
Last words we ‘eard ee utter
“Tell’t missus I were killed by they vit!”

My fayther wuz a miner - sinewy and tough
'is muscles bulged
as 'im hauled the coal,
'ands calloused, torn and rough.

These rugged mon
- salt of the earth -
worked 'ard and played much 'arder:
a pint of ale, a rolled-up fag,
bread 'n' drippin' vram the larder.

My fayther wuz a miner
- 'is life spent in the Vorest -
amongst the oak and pit dust,
'im was allus proud an' honest.

Nurn a shower to kip 'im clean,
nor 'ot water vram a tap,
Just an old tin bath in vront the vire;
a wife to scrub 'is back.

'Ow is it me ole butty,
'Ow bist doing today?
I've lined out thee bedroom
Wi' clean straw and hay.
Though I noticed when cleaning
A strange lodger 'ad come,
An old tired 'edge 'og
'Ad made it 'er wum.

It's a strainge sort of bedmate
Fer thee me ole pal,
An' I see now 'er little uns
'Ave come there as well.
Thee's better watch out
Where thee's putting thee snout,
Fer if thee's met 'er prickles
It'll fair make thee shout.

Now I've mixed up thee breakfast
So eat up old pal.
There's some fresh tater peelings
An' cabbage as well.
Zo eat up me butty
Get thee snout in the swill,
Th'oult get thin an' ill.
A pig should eat plenty,
As much as 'im's able,
To get nice and fat
And just right for the table.

Now dussent do that,
Stop looking at I.
Tha's knows well as I do
Thus all gotta die.
I da know thee 'as bin to me
Like a good friend.
But thee's know that we all
'Ave to go in the end.
It's one of those things that
In life is a must.
Th' only thing is
Thou's gotta go fust!